Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
me as a parent
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
my first dose meeting my second
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.