The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
can I use a minion as a tampon
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My dad teaching me to drive
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew