Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.
I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays.
I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he’s in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like “Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!”
I want to get married just so I can throw my wedding ring in anger. I bet it’s a lot cooler than aggressively untying a friendship bracelet.
No, No, people. It’s okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.
If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”
Writing about 2 dinosaurs who hate crime. They make motorcycles & badges from the meteorite that killed their dino buds. Called TriceraCOPS!
Guy at the gym had “True Gentleman” tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.