I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Who called it baking and not making love
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does