My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.