But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
You Might Also Like
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
okay run it by me one more time
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.