I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
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Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Mission: Impossible
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say