Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.