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@DevilryFun : Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
@DevilryFun: I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
@DevilryFun: My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
@DevilryFun: I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
@DevilryFun: My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
@DevilryFun: Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
@DevilryFun: Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
@DevilryFun: My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
@DevilryFun: Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
@DevilryFun: Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.