@DevilryFun

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

@DevilryFun

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

@DevilryFun

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

@DevilryFun

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

@DevilryFun

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

@DevilryFun

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

@DevilryFun

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

@DevilryFun

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

@DevilryFun

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.