I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
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I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!