If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
So we got a goldfish…
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.