Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
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me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS