I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
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SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
i made a craigslist ad !
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother