5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT