My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
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If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Just had my nails done!
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.