Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
You Might Also Like
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Go hard or stay average
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
When your parents check you’re ok.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.