What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones