Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
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ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
🍛
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.