the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
asked my bf how work was today
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.