(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
#SCOTUS one-star review
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Things will get butter, keep churning
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Thursday
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.