50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
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You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
no one ever comes back
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
the three branches of government
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?