I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
yeah not falling for this one
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Only short people can save us
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.