I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
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deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.