My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…