I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
going to the ER y’all need anything
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.