Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.