When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
You Might Also Like
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Is your wife single?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
*Inspirational Tweets*
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.