Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
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Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Sign at work today
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.