Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
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My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.