When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.