School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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Brb my Sims are getting married
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants