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Page of DirtMcTurd's best tweets

@DirtMcTurd : *kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what's going on dad?

"What else you get?!"

A lasagna recipe..

"Great make dinner"

@DirtMcTurd: I'm voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

@DirtMcTurd: This girl wants to sing with me but I don't wanna duet

@DirtMcTurd: [texting drug dealer]

"You around? I was gonna stop by."

Yeah what are u looking for?

"I stopped doing drugs, I just miss you"

@DirtMcTurd: I was getting chased by a man yelling "STOP, POLICE!" & I yelled "YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL!" But he kept chasing me

@DirtMcTurd: [watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million

@DirtMcTurd: My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat

@DirtMcTurd: [First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

"Get out!"

@DirtMcTurd: [Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue