@DirtMcTurd

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

@DirtMcTurd

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

@DirtMcTurd

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

@DirtMcTurd

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

@DirtMcTurd

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

@DirtMcTurd

[texting drug dealer]

“You around? I was gonna stop by.”

Yeah what are u looking for?

“I stopped doing drugs, I just miss you”

@DirtMcTurd

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

@DirtMcTurd

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

@DirtMcTurd

[Watching “House Hunters”]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million

@DirtMcTurd

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat