Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[texting drug dealer]
“You around? I was gonna stop by.”
Yeah what are u looking for?
“I stopped doing drugs, I just miss you”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
[Watching “House Hunters”]
Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.
Tim: Our budget is $4 million
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat