*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder