[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth