If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Once again not all heroes wear capes
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
San Francisco has too many rules
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!