brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”