how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Breaking news:
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*