Dammit Chief not again
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
channeling her this year
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.