bae: come over
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
me: AWFUL. PARENTING.
wanna feel old? this is eminem now:
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?
me: *lights cig* do u smoke?
girl: no, cigarettes killed my father
me: oh, cancer..?
her: no, an army of them, gunned him down
me: wait what
they say running is addictive, that’s why i don’t do it, i’m afraid i’ll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.
[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”
i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..
but was it fire…?