[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
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Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
O Wise One….
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.