Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Discourt's best tweets

@Discourt : As an adult, I'm most afraid when my children's toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms....

@Discourt: My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

@Discourt: Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

@Discourt: My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

@Discourt: Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

@Discourt: For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

@Discourt: Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

@Discourt: I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn't have to hear her say she's done.

@Discourt: I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

@Discourt: E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.