A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
This checks out
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.