the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.