@DistractedMomma

Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.

– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.

@DistractedMomma

I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other people’s houses, just to remind parents that there are kids who are way worse than theirs.

@DistractedMomma

My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.

@DistractedMomma

Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.

@DistractedMomma

Turns out, telemarketers don’t like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.

@DistractedMomma

Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.