Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.
– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.
I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other people’s houses, just to remind parents that there are kids who are way worse than theirs.
My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.
Turns out, telemarketers don’t like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.
Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.