Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
You Might Also Like
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat