[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
best review i’ve ever seen
the icebreaker
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.