Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Divergentmama's best tweets

@Divergentmama : Some questions in life you don't even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.

You know 1) they've known about it for three weeks and 2) it's due tomorrow.

@Divergentmama: [Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood - checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let's just see if you're feeling better tomorrow.

@Divergentmama: My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I'm a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend's house

@Divergentmama: Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.

Me: oh yeah?

Daughter: so our class color is red - I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?

Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.

@Divergentmama: You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey

@Divergentmama: My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight...

...and now he's refolding them.

@Divergentmama: I've never understood the saying "you want some cheese with your whine?" Of course I want cheese. I always want cheese and also bring me some wine so I can be happy and get a buzz while I complain, please.

@Divergentmama: As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache - drink some water
Have a headache - you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school - I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water

@Divergentmama: My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I've decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches