Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.