Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Divergentmama's best tweets

@Divergentmama : My husband told me all he really wanted for our anniversary was for things around the house to be straightened up.

His invisalign arrives next week.

@Divergentmama: "Oh sweetie, it's AMAZING! I'm going to save your artwork forever*!"

*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won't find it.

@Divergentmama: Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me

My teenage son: nice

@Divergentmama: "In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories."

Law and Order: Missing Shoe

@Divergentmama: Some questions in life you don't even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.

You know 1) they've known about it for three weeks and 2) it's due tomorrow.

@Divergentmama: [Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood - checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let's just see if you're feeling better tomorrow.

@Divergentmama: My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I'm a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend's house

@Divergentmama: Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.

Me: oh yeah?

Daughter: so our class color is red - I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?

Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.

@Divergentmama: You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey

@Divergentmama: My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight...

...and now he's refolding them.