The twins tried to have a staring contest last night. My daughter blinked immediately and said to her brother “I just can’t look at your face anymore” and it was a whole mood.
Me at 13: I don’t understand why old people are so cranky
Me at 43: oh
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.
Do people who are allergic to bee stings break out in hives?
Me: honey, can you call and check on this bill for me?
[1 day later]
Me: honey, did you make that call?
Husband: shoot I forgot, I will today!
[1 year later]
Husband: I made that call you asked me to do the other day.
Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.
Puts streamers and balloons in the bathroom
*adds Professional Party Pooper to resumé
How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.
CDC: clean commonly touched surfaces
Moms everywhere: we don’t have to worry about wiping down the dishwasher