[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
You Might Also Like
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker