*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
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*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh