Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?
Me: that’s not true
Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?
Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ
Cashier: your total is only 4 bucks
Me: *taking back the 5th deer* whoops, my bad
If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.
As soon as I get out of the hospital for this frostbite, my husband and I are going to have words about who controls the thermostat.
My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.
Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave
*gets email that sports practices start next week*
Me: not like that
Does this mask make my face look funny?
*husband slowly backs out of the room
You can check out anytime you like
You can never leave
Please bring me my wine
2020 is officially Hotel California
On Wednesdays we do cardio!
*skips to the kitchen for another snack
What is the worst kind of pasta and why do you think it’s penne?