Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
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Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
LOOOOOOL
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My Guy
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…