[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
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HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
get you a girl who
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.