Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
You Might Also Like
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*