Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
same bro
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?