tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
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WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.